It represented a shift in where I was directing my life.
Since having found this HIV/AIDS support site, I've been honest with myself. Far more honest than I have ever been. It was such a revelation, that I had to stop and think about it for a few minutes.
"Will they pull away?"
"Will they treat me differently?"
"Will they hate me?"
I suppose it is the idea of loneliness that I fear most, maybe even abandonment. My thoughts wrap around it like a python, trying to squeeze the truth and life out of it. I rack my brains and contemplate how far our society has come since the early 80's and how our society seems to have embraced the Gay Culture. The question is, "Are they ready for HIV?" As much as it is now in the mainstream, it still carries with it a stigma, not only with the Heterosexual community, but with the Gay and Lesbian.
It is a process, and it will take its' time to go through the paces. I will have to do the same. I am not sad, nor am I unhappy. I have no self doubts, but I know that the time will come when I will need to make choices to lift my soul higher. Being in the closet about my HIV is a momentous roadblock. I know that it is the one thing that is holding me back. I have done so much soul searching and it has led me to one belief - that Honesty brings forth peace, and peace brings forth happiness. Honesty to yourself and to others. A great Chinese philosopher once said, "The journey of a 1000 miles begins with one step". I think I have taken that inaugural step.
Courage, Strength, Hope and determination to you all who share the journey.